Sesmu is the ancient Egyptian demonic god of execution, slaughter, blood, oil, wine and perfume. Like many of the gods of Ancient Egypt, Sesmu was of a complex nature. He had qualities of both light and darkness, but this was not the reason that he was known as a 'demon'. To the Egyptians, demons were not necessarily evil in nature. Often they were quite helpful. Instead, the term 'demon' was given to Sesmu because he was one of the lesser deities, and due to his relation to the underworld. Sesmu followed the commands of The God of The Dead, and therefore was sometimes given the title ‘Slaughterer of Souls’. He initially seems to be a fierce underworld deity, but Sesmu was quite helpful to the dead.
Have a little head ache
Have a lot of heartache
Take a pill, baby
It’ll be just fine
I’m an idiot. I never learned. If I hide shit to keep from hurting someone, eventually they will find out, and it will hurt them. It just bites me in the ass. It’s so fucking dumb how I think I can just pretend something didn’t happen and it will disappear and I never need to worry about it again. And then one day it suddenly comes back and I’m all kinds of fucked up because of it. I’m so done with keeping secrets. Matt knows literally everything there is to know about me. Nothing else to find out, which I’m glad for. I’m just worried about him leaving because I really don’t know what I’d do. I’ve literally done all I could in terms of fucking up. It is not humanly possible to fuck it up more than I have now. And I’m not messing up more. I’m making this work, and he knows absolutely everything about me. No more hiding or anything. I’m done.
What the fuck. I get woken up by him calling me and yelling at me about something I didn’t even do, and when I tell him, no I didn’t video chat with christian last night after we got off, he still wouldn’t listen, and now isn’t talking to me till tomorrow. And he told me to give him all my passwords, and I took a second to reply, and he was like, yup you’re deleting everything right now, fuck you. When I was talking to my mom who just came into the room, and also I’m not giving him my password unless he gets mine. I only want it to be fair, and also I don’t like that. I want to have my privacy. I need to have part of my life be separate from him, I’m not letting him become 100% of my life again, because that only caused bad, and I’m not going to do that again.
Every single night we get off of video chat, I end up angry and upset. And there is no reason for that. He has all this hatred and resentment for no reason. And I hate it.
I just want to hear him say I love you again. I don’t know why he doesn’t ever say it anymore, but I feel like he doesn’t love me if he doesn’t ever say it. I don’t like it. It makes me feel inadequate. If you love someone, you tell them. You don’t hold back for some stupid reason.
I remember the exact moment I fell in love. It was kind of like falling asleep. Slowly but then suddenly all at once. Little bits and pieces slowly pushed me towards that. And it was on that bench. We were sitting and talking and I just got this funny look on my face and he knew. He knew exactly when it happened. I remember him saying, “What? What is it. Tell me what you were going to say.” I was really confused how he just knew so I was kind of reluctant, but I said, “I think I was going to say I love you…” and then we were standing and he was kissing and hugging me and we just kept saying I love you over and over again because he had already said it and I didn’t want to until I was sure and we couldn’t stop and I think I almost cried I was so happy. I miss that bench. A lot of our major milestones happened at that bench. I remember he told me, when I propose to you, I’m going to do it at that spot, just to keep it going.
It really hurts my feelings when he constantly brings up how I’ve messed up. I get it, I’ve made mistakes, and bad decisions, or went around the wrong people, and payed for it, but I really don’t get why he has to bring it up everyday, all the time. Literally we wouldn’t have any regular problems if he would just stop. And you can’t let go of something if you’re constantly talking about it, so how the hell does he expect himself to move on if he won’t let himself. I hate this. We can be so good, and we wouldn’t have any trouble if he would just stop. That’s all I want, and I constantly ask him nicely to stop, and he never does. I just don’t get it.
Have you ever fallen in love with a complete stranger? Just from the way they move, and look, and seem so out of place. I was driving around Kanan with Matt and we were about to start driving back towards Westlake, and there was this guy in this big dusty jeep about to go to the road that leads to the beach. I begged Matt if we could go after him for some reason, even though I don’t know what I would have done if we had. I think I just wanted to see this intriguing human for a few minutes at least. He looked like he was strait out of Australia, it was insane. He had the huge dusty jeep, there was a big dog inside it sticking it’s head out the window, he had blonde dreads tied back, and was drinking from a canteen. My urge to meet this human was so strong I almost started crying. I know nothing about him, or what he is like. But he still pops into my head from time to time. Just something about him, made me know that he was one of those people that would be on my ultraviolet level. I don’t know. I really wish I met them, but I’m scared of what would happen if I did.
It’s really shitty hanging out with mostly guys, because in the end majority want to fuck me. A lot of them are cool with being just friends, but almost all of them want to fuck me, and I’m like ugh what the fuck, I just want dude friends please.
It was nice smoking with Christophe, it kind of made me slow down and just let go of things for a little bit. Now I’m all melty and I just can’t seem to care for now. It’s nice.