Sesmu is the ancient Egyptian demonic god of execution, slaughter, blood, oil, wine and perfume. Like many of the gods of Ancient Egypt, Sesmu was of a complex nature. He had qualities of both light and darkness, but this was not the reason that he was known as a 'demon'. To the Egyptians, demons were not necessarily evil in nature. Often they were quite helpful. Instead, the term 'demon' was given to Sesmu because he was one of the lesser deities, and due to his relation to the underworld. Sesmu followed the commands of The God of The Dead, and therefore was sometimes given the title ‘Slaughterer of Souls’. He initially seems to be a fierce underworld deity, but Sesmu was quite helpful to the dead.
Blah. I need to cuddle. I feel weird. I should go to bed. But I never fucking do. Life will be so much easier if I can just sleep next to another human. It’s comforting to know you’re not alone, to know that you can wake up and just look to the side and there’s another person who will do the same thing every night. That is one of my favorite things. Waking up in the middle of the night to see someone you love lying next to you. It’s hard to compare the feeling to any other things. It’s peaceful though. Sometimes it will even make me smile. And I’ll look like a fool lying there in the dark, smiling because I’m in bed with the person I love. I’m such a strange character. Maybe that’s a good thing. But it can get annoying because then no one ever understands my though process. People attempt to, but they never actually get it. Or they understand how my thought process works, and then they don’t know how to handle it. So they end up fucking me in the head even more than I already am. That’s what I really want. Is for someone to understand me. To truly understand me. Like when I see a cat that has been hit by a car, and I start crying they could just comfort me and say stuff like, “It’s ok. Everything dies, and I’m sure she didn’t feel much pain.” instead of, it’s just an animal, why are you so upset? Or shit like when I don’t want to eat for a few days and instead of trying to force me to eat, thinking it’ll do better, just talking to me and figuring out what is stressing me out enough to go on my anorexia sprees, and just loving me and cuddling me and getting me to feel like I might actually want to eat something. I think that’s the first time I have ever openly admitted that there’s something wrong with my eating habits. I mean I acknowledge it, and I know that I go periods of time without eating, but I usually just blame it on stress. Even though it is the cause, I probably could do something about it. Maybe I do need someone to force me to eat when I get like that. It’s definitely not a healthy thing to do. I think the longest I went without eating, strait no food was 3 weeks. It was scary actually. I lost a lot of weight. In the first week I lost almost 15 pounds. In 7 fucking days. It was just the combination of no food, no sleep, a lot of stress, and a lot of exercise. I was such a wreck. But I wasn’t ever hungry. I eat when I’m hungry, and during those three weeks, it’s like my need for food just stopped existing. A few times I remember I actually got hungry and it was excruciatingly painful, because I was literally starving my body. But during those times I was never around food. By the time I got to food the urge to eat was gone. After three weeks, I finally got the urge to eat when I was near food, and I ate a tiny bit. I ended up rejecting the food. That was terrifying in itself. Realizing that you haven’t eaten in such a long time that your body cannot physically handle a tiny bit of plain food. I actually thought I was going to begin dying at that point. I think that’s kind of what got me out of it. Realizing that even if I’m not hungry I have to force myself. So I was forcing myself all the time, and throwing it back up, for a really long time. And it was terrible because throwing up terrifies me, and it is one of my most hated things ever. It feels like death. I didn’t want to be throwing up, but my body kept doing it. This went on for a few weeks. I kept losing weight so much. I hit 105 at that point. My mom even made a comment about how I was getting really skinny. She saw me eating so she didn’t think too much of it. She only saw me throw up once, and I just said it was a stomach bug. Gladly she believed me. But I can’t believe how frail I was. I kept wearing my normal clothes, so people didn’t really notice the change to much. Because I’ve always been thin. Funny thing, I actually got so many compliments, saying oh you look fabulous, you look great. And I did look good. I think that’s why I struggle with my body image now. Because even though it was only a few months that I was at that weight, it stuck in my head. I’ll look in the mirror and be like, what the fuck, why did it all have to come back? Why couldn’t I just have gained back like 10 pounds. I’d still look good, and I’d be at a near healthy weight. I think I’m still medically underweight for my height. And I still think I could lose ten pounds. Shit. I’ve never written this down. I’ve never really let it all out. It’s strange to see how bad it was. I kind of always put it in the back of my head and just ignored it. I never really identified that I had a problem. I identified that if I kept not eating I would be on the path to a slow death. But I never really understood, I had a serious eating disorder. Even if it was me not being hungry, I let it keep happening. I even started getting dizzy a lot. I think I blacked out once, because I remember waking up in my kitchen naked, with a spilled cup of water and broken glass all around me. I got cut up on my legs, and all bruised on my hips and ribs, and knees and shit. I also hit my head pretty hard. Luckily it was a Sunday and no one was home. Because I think I was out for like 45 minutes. What woke me up was Hunter crying in my ear. I don’t know what happened that day, if my body was shutting down or what. But that cat saved me, I think. I don’t know. I just remember him pawing at my face, crying. Even Mallomar was crying, and this was when he was still afraid of everyone. I’m scared to think of what happened to me. I can’t believe I never really thought about this. I still only eat like once a day or every two days. I’m still not better. How the hell did I not realize this before.